Auto Maintenance For Poor People.

          Most of my life I have avoided having too much money, so as not to fall into the idle Downton Abbey ways that have spoiled so many who came before us. I mean, what can match the thrill of racing to the nearest electrical company payment center before dark sets in, or the water company before you start smelling like your dog after he's rolled in whatever that is in the backyard?

          Also, all this good credit/bad credit, who needs the headache?  "What's YOUR score?" they ask accusingly. You have to take your earnings and divide them by the number of items of furniture from Rent-A-Center in your home; then add any children you have managed to shove out of the house and for each you may offset a year's car payments. Then, estimate the amount of scrap metal available in your neighborhood, give yourself one point per ton and multiply by potential in-law inheritances and potential lottery winnings. Of course, that's a calculation beyond mere mortals, so our friends at the credit cartels, eh, agencies are happy to provide us our score.

Now, according to some of these credit places we are credit abusing Neanderthals  and stupid to boot, since they ask for a credit card number to get your free credit report. "Why yes sir, your report is free after the one dollar processing fee." I calmly scream, "But that means it's a DOLLAR, not FREE!" I then beat my phone on my head until one or the other breaks.

          Some people say absurd things like "It's not money that is the root of all evil, but the want of money." Bull biscuits. Do you think Charlie Sheen could go on a six year blow fueled binge with hookers and private jets on a Russell Simmons Rushcard? See, all the men in America WANT the money to do that but are in no additional trouble for the thought. But drop in Sheen's roughly $48 million dollar yearly salary from back then and all kinds of evil/fun ensues.

          Having adroitly avoided this cruel trap that leads to a broken body, rehab, police matters and enough fond memories for fifty lifetimes, I can tell those of you who also have walked the path of pious poverty with me some of my best survival tips.

Money saving tips for car maintenance:

$        Rotating your tires. Skip it, they rotate every time you drive.

$        Squealing belts? Crank up that stereo, preferable Ted Nugent or Van Halen for the best sound cover. People on the street will hear that belt screaming like a cat in a laundry roller, but YOU wont.

$        Car stalls or runs sluggishly at low speeds? Floor it, up to past eighty if possible without blowing all the beer cans your taking to sell out the window. Red lights without cameras just scream "run me".

Eating out

$       Walk into restaurants wearing a thick sweater or over-sized coat. When you order say. "I can only eat a little may I get the child's meal? I just had an ostomy bag put in, want to see it?"

$       People in McDonalds who don't throw out their trays are a calorie BOOM. Table diving is more dignified and keeps your clothes cleaner than a dumpster dive.

$       Learn your fiends at home eating routines. People this is critical.  Drop by at dinner time with a two dollar bottle of wine poured into a carafe or a corked bottle and you get a meal cheaper than the "Abuse your colon  for ninety nine cents" menu at Taco Bell.

Holiday Thrift

Let's go by date order. That way you can plan your year of celebrating poverty accordingly.

$       Valentine's day. This is a biggie, much more touchy than Christmas if you are in even the most  glancing relationship. Oh yeah and male. Guys this holiday leave you two choices: go BIG or go  thoughtful. Thoughtful as in you put some thought into it. Like "How can I spend the least and not end up alone tonight?"  Home-made gift certificates are thoughtful AND cheap. "Good for one backrub" or "Good for one home-cooked meal." (At this point, it is important to explain this must happen at her house with food from her kitchen, as even an Iron Chef could not make a meal from the Chulula Sauce and Jimmy Dean sausage and biscuit combos in YOUR fridge).

$       Birthdays are not technically a holiday, but try telling her that. Sorry buddy, this is that one time you have to hock that guitar/toolbox/autographed Steve Landesberg picture. That or steal a puppy or kitten from someone's yard. It's just how it is.

$       Thanksgiving. Girlfriend liberal? "I refuse to celebrate the exploitation of my native brothers and sisters! Why don't you just cook up a quick something instead?"  Girlfriend conservative? Her parents house. Girlfriend libertarian? Fire one up, watch the game and eat nachos.

$       Christmas. Easy cheesy. "Baby I refuse to be sucked into the commercialism of the holy season! Let's celebrate Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza by loving each other and let everyone else spend their MONEY" You have to spit that last word out like a bad oyster on the half shell.  If she agrees, she's as broke as you and has no immediate prospects, so you got her right where you want her.

          I hope this helps you in your struggle to stick it to the man by not spending money to enrich the  one percent. Winning.