Fifty Shades of Retail

Target has added a new toy section that is sure to get tongues (and other parts) wagging: Fifty Shades Of Grey sex toys and accessories. They are in the "Adult Health" section, you know, the one with black curtains that you need tokens to get in to.

Imagine grandma shopping with the kids and running across the Fifty Shades of Grey "Beyond Aroused Kegel Balls Set" or the "Fifty Shades of Grey We Aim to Please Vibrating Bullet." The ads for these products proudly proclaim that it is the only sex toy collection officially approved by Fifty Shades author E.L. James. One can only assume that, like all honest pitch ladies, she uses what she endorses.

Knock knock. "Uh Ms. James, do we have your okay for the delicious pleasure silicone ben wa balls yet?"

"No darling, come back in another hour or so."

The toys are based on the items mentioned in the Fifty Shades Trilogy and some are downright creepy, like the Fifty Shades of Grey Still Baby Still Bondage Tape (White panel van and Fifty Shades Of Grey Restrain Me Bondage Ropes sold separately), while the UK Version of Cosmo recommends for Fifty Shades enthusiasts a "hog tie" kit (Creepy shack in the woods and John Cougar CDs sold separately).

In keeping with the times, many of the products that normally would use batteries are now rechargeable via USB ports on your laptop. Fistfights for computer recharging spots in airports are foreseeable.

Frankly, there is little new or original in the collection, though I do admire how the managed to get people to pay $22.00 for three small rolls of duct tape. Cost aware masters everywhere take note. "But baby, I want the Fifty Shades Bondage Tape!"

"Listen, this is the same thing and I paid three bucks for the roll at Walmart."

One wonders if this were being sold at Bed, Bath & Beyond, where the "beyond" would go, not to mention happenings in the bedding section. "Sir, please untie your wife from the display bed!"

Now mind you, I pass no judgments. At my age I have climbed Mount Kinky a time or two and whatever happens between consenting adults is nobody's business, except on the internet because you did not know master had the Fifty Shades Teddy Bear Camera. (My original idea and one that may have saved Radio Shack from Chapter 11) I also would recommend, if you've never read the Fifty Shades trilogy and are older than, let's say 30, you get some Ritalin to stay awake while reading this dream-like walk on the mild side of kink.

So, my immoral beloveds, now Target is truly your one stop shopping stop. If you're checking out with your groceries and see someone with a long handled cutting board, the large pack of AA batteries, a Fifty Shades magic bullet  and bag of crunchy Cheetos, don't judge. It's progress, in it's own way, though cucumber and banana sales my take a hit.

Vaping with Gwyneth

Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow, who once said she'd "[R]ather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin", may be on the verge of smoking HER - well, let me explain:

Paltrow has recently come out for a trendy new L.A. thing called "V-Steaming." And "V" does not stand for veggies. Paltrow described to her GOOP readers the process. I must warn you, trying to mentally picture Paltrow going through this treatment while reading the description could cause irreversible neurological damage:

"You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it."

No, I did not make that up. Gwyneth is 'a smoking in the girl's room.

The V-Steam is based on Far Eastern folk medicine (Perhaps that's what the guy in the old commercial meant when he said "Shhh, ancient Chinese secret!") and is accomplished by a woman essentially squatting over a steaming pot of the Colonels 11 herbs and spices (Okay, I made that up) to clean, refresh and fix, according to some spa claims, everything from infertility to PMS, which in this case means Pay Money, Stupid.

In all fairness to Paltrow, she seems to actually be a Johnny-come-lately to Stanley Steaming™ the southern belle, as my crack (I just can't stop myself) research team found internet references galore going back years. I could not find a spa here in San Antonio that offers the treatment, as we only steam beaver hats here. There is a place in Austin that does, but I'm not giving a free name drop without a coupon for my beloved, who I am sure would be thrilled if told she had a free coochie mist coming.

There is also a similar treatment offered for men called the A-Steam. I guess the B-Steam idea shriveled.

I'm not sure what my point is, aside from the fun we all have making fun of most of what Paltrow says and does, though it is predictable. I mean, the poor girl grew up with the best of everything and was clearly told from the time she was getting her umbilical cord clipped that she was special, precious and every vapid little thought she ever had would be important and worth of sharing. Her lack of self awareness, when it comes to how truly un-relatable her world is to 99% of the humans on earth is reminiscent of someone in a room full of people who is unaware of his/her own body odor. Like the guy in overalls that sat in front of you at the movies last week.